Have you ever been stuck on a pavement behind slow pedestrians, who stop
you getting past? Those slow-coachers waste our time and reduce productivity,
and they drive me mad. The solution? Pavements should be sectioned into three lanes;
slow, middle and fast, just like motorways. Slow lanes are for
the elderly, child strollers, umbrella-holders, panhandler,
the inebriated and those dreadful cell-phoners, who crawl
along and then stop dead right in front of you. The
middle lane is for your average pedestrian, but if they hog
that lane for more than 10 seconds, they get ticketed by
pedestrian wardens, a new workforce that will reduce unemployment.
The fast lane is for people in a hurry, but
there's no fines [sic] for speeding because people need to get
a move on in life. Pedestrians are equipped with
deafening horns to hoot target pedestrians out of
their way. And finally, it's three strikes and you're out. After
three tickets, you're banned for life from pavements
and have to take a door-to-door taxi to get to wherever you want
to go.