When we approach the notion of friendship, our first problem is that there is a lack of firmly
agreed and socially acknowledged criteria for what makes a person a friend. In one setting,
we may describe someone as a friend; in another, the label may seem less appropriate.
Therefore, people tend to have a very thin understanding of what friendship really means.
To help us understand what friendship really means, we need to review some classical views of
friendship. One classical view of friendship is provided by Aristotle,
the famous ancient Greek philosopher. Aristotle distinguishes between what
he believes to be genuine friendships and two other forms:
one based on mutual usefulness, the other on pleasure. So, according to Aristotle,
we may find three kinds of friendship:
Friendship based on utility. Utility is an impermanent thing: it changes according to circumstances.
When the ground for friendship disappears, the friendship also breaks up because
that is what keeps it alive. Friendships of this kind seem to occur most frequently
between the elderly, because at their age what they want is not pleasure but utility.
Friendships based on utility are also frequently found among those in middle or
early life who are pursuing their own advantage. Such persons do not spend
much time together, because sometimes they do not even like one another, and
therefore feel no need of such an association unless they are mutually useful.
They take pleasure in each other’s company only in so far as they have hopes of advantage from it.
Friendship based on pleasure. Friendship between the young is thought to
be grounded on pleasure, because the lives of the young are regulated by their feelings,
and their chief interests are in their own pleasure and the opportunity of the moment.
As they grow up, however, their tastes change too, so that they are quick to make
and to break friendships. That is why they fall in and out of friendship quickly,
changing their attitude often, even within the same day. But the young do like
to spend the day and live together, because that is how they realize the object of their friendship.
Friendship based on goodness. Perfect friendship is based on goodness. Only the
friendship of those who are good, and similar in their goodness, is perfect.
And it is those who desire the good of their friends for the friends’ sake that
are the truest friends, because each loves the other for what he is,
and not for any incidental quality. The conduct of good men is the same or similar.
It is between good men that both love and friendship
are chiefly found and in the highest form. Such friendships are rare because men of this kind
are few and they need time and intimacy; for as the saying goes, true friends must
go through trials and tribulations together. And no two persons can accept each other
and become friends until each has proved to the other that he is worthy of love,
and so won his trust. The wish for friendship may develop rapidly, but true friendship does not.
Another classical view of friendship can be found in the writings of Cicero,
an ancient Roman statesman and orator. His writings on ethics, the philosophy of
religion and natural law have been influential. According to Cicero, true friendship
is only possible between good men. He further defines "the good" as "those whose actions
and lives leave no question as to their honor, purity, equity, and liberality;
who are free from greed, lust, and violence; and who have the courage of
their convictions." The friendship between good men, based on virtue, does offer material benefits,
but it does not seek them. Moreover, just as in friendships and relationships,
those who possess any superiority must regard themselves as equals of those who are less fortunate,
so these latter must not be annoyed at being surpassed in genius, fortune, or rank.
Thus, we may see that the traditional idea of friendship is made up of three components:
Friends must enjoy each other’s company; they must be useful to one another;
and they must share a commitment to the good. According to the classical views,
virtuous friends are bound together, as they recognize each other’s moral excellence.
To perceive a friend, therefore, is in a manner to perceive oneself; and to know
a friend is in a manner to know oneself. Each can be said to provide a mirror
in which the other may see himself. The moral excellence of friendship, thus,
involves a high level of development and expression of the altruistic emotions of sympathy,
concern and care.
Friendship of this kind necessarily involves conversations about well-being and of
what might be involved in living the good life.