A large body of literature suggests that as we age, we exert much more influence over our social
lives than one might think. We prune our social networks to focus on the quality rather than the
quantity of our relationships.
It is true that as we age we tend to have smaller social networks than younger adults. This is
partially due to uncontrollable factors such as spouses, friends, and family members passing away,
or the development of physical immobility, which can render us homebound and more likely to be
socially isolated. However, research on relationship quality later in life suggests that we have
more agency when it comes to defining our social circles than this particularly negative narrative
would suggest.
According to Socioemotional Selectivity Theory, as we age, we are motivated to maximize social and
emotional goals, whereas younger counterparts are motivated to gain new knowledge and achieve
success. These different goals are associated with lifespan differences in the perception of time
horizons: Simply put, as we age, we view our remaining time as more limited, and that changes our
priorities.
It turns out that maintaining a limited time perspective is associated with smaller social
networks, but the quality of those networks are more positive than among those who view their
future as unbounded. Specifically, those with a limited time perspective report greater social
satisfaction and less social strain.
Even in the best relationships, conflict can occur. A review of the literature confirms the idea
that as we grow older we not only experience fewer conflicts in our relationships, but that when
conflict does arise, we tend to report fewer negative emotions associated with the incidents as
compared to younger adults. This inattention toward negative emotions may dampen the conflict in
order to preserve positive aspects of relationships.
Given the tenets of Socioemotional Selectivity Theory, as we age, we appear to hold agency with
respect to the size and quality of our social networks, rather than passively experiencing
inevitable social decline. In fact, through a lifetime of interacting with good and bad social
partners, we actually gain what can be thought of as social expertise.
That is, as we age we tend to be better at making judgments about people based on behaviors in
social situations. This, in turn, allows us to engage in relationships that are more likely to
impact us in positive ways, and avoid potentially negative relationships.
So where does this leave us?
Yes, as we grow older we tend to be surrounded by fewer relationships compared to our younger
selves and younger adults in general. There are some uncontrollable factors that contribute to
these differences. But it can also be beneficial to selectively focus on those relationships that
bring the most joy. As we grow older, we should hold confidence in the idea that while our social
circles may appear to be shrinking, the quality of those circles is likely increasing.